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Q. What book do you like the most?
A. Woman: "My husbands checkbook."
A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem."
The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?"
The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?"
She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that ...
Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes 'Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ...'
'Oh no' Edna replies, 'that's where I put him to dry !'
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ...
20 years old and mixed up with coke !
A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I would like to see a bikini that fits me."
Clerk, "me too..."
- Jennifer, wanna go to my place?
- I am not Jennifer
- But I didn't ask about that...
A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:
- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ?
A fifty pound note !
Why are women like parking spaces ?
Because all the best ones are taken....and the rest are handicapped.
2 girls meet:
- me & my husband are no longer together...
- well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?
- no, of course I couldn't!
- well he couldn't either!
Ive got a new anorexic girlfriend. Its not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her ...
Why was the name "P.M.S." chosen ?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.........
Why do women have smaller feet then men?
So that they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!
How can you tell when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "a man once told me".
Hunters and Women
Why do women love Hunters the best as lovers?
1. Hunters have the longest and most powerful rifles.
2. Hunters always......shoot twice.
3. Hunters love to......eat what they shoot!
Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain. She asks the doctor what he has on sale.
"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."
Surprised she asks why the price difference?
"Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"
Q: How do you wake up Lady gaga?
A: Poke her face.
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Wome\'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open"!"
As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"
The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."
A Woman asks a Waiter What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?
The waiter says, "SHIVERING MADAM".
Ther are 3 girls in a car and a genie pops up and says you have 3 whishes...
I wish I was 50% smarter Poof your a Brunette head...
I wish I was 100% smarter, poof your a blonde head...
I Wish I was 100% Dumber, poof your a Man...
Q:Why did the woman cross the road?
A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?