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4 men were stranded in a desert.
Suddenly, 1 of them died.
The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"
A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the penalty areas on the practice pitch.
- Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the ground?
Emile Heskey replied:
- Me coach, but I'm good in the air!
Father: I was really good in soccer ....
Son : Have you played for Barcelona dad?
Father: Mind your school work...
There were 3 women going into a bus
The first one dropped her wallet and had blue pants on and the bus driver said u must support Chelsea.
An hour later another women went on a bus and dropped her bag and as she bent down she had red pants on, so the bus driver said you must support Manchester united.
Then straight after another women walked in and fell and had no pants on so the bus driver said you must support Arsnal.
A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."
Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."
The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
- the rest of your life...
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: â€œWow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.â€
The man then replies: â€œYeah, well we were married 35 years.â€
Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'
Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
"Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.
Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"
Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps' !
Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
What are Real Madrid fans going to do after they win the "Copa del Rey"?
R : Shut down the play-station
Q: Why did the coach go to the bank
A: To get his quarter-back
Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. Why did the golfer wear tho pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.
Dad shouts ....."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!"
Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn..... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!!!
Q:HOW DO SPORT PLAYERS STAY COOL IN A GAME?
A:THEY STAY IN FRONT OF SOME FANS!!!!
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Q: What's the difference between a teabag and england?
A: The teabag stays in the cup longer!
Why did the referee have such a high phone bill?
Because he made to many calls!
Q: What's the difference between Manchesther united and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag can stay in the cup longer.
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.