Religious jokes

Funny jokes about about religion, the church, priests, nuns, ....

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category: Religious jokes

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

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category: Religious jokes

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.

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category: Religious jokes

Moses an God were golfing one day as they get to the final hole, between the hole and God was a water trap.
So God asks Moses to hand him his iron.
Moses says, "I really think you should use the putter."
God replies, "Just hand me the iron."
God makes his first shot and it lands in the water.
He looks at moses and says, "Will you go retrieve my ball?"
So Moses walks down to the water parts the waters and retrieves his ball.
They continue the same pattern three more times until Moses finally refuses to go retrieve the ball.
When God goes down to the water to retrieve it an older couple walk by and say, "We have been watching the whole entire time who does he think he is God or something?" and Moses replies, "No Tiger Woods."

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category: Religious jokes

Frank was rather sad when he saw an atheist lying dead on the table.
And the Frank said:
"Look at him...at dressed up and nowhere to go!"

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category: Religious jokes

The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for 'An act of God', which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.
The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.
One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"

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category: Religious jokes

Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

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category: Religious jokes

A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop.
Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk.
The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop."
The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?"
The little boy again said, "No Bishop."
The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?"
The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."

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category: Religious jokes

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.
Next!"

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category: Religious jokes

A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street.
The driver rush to the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."

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category: Religious jokes

Jesus and devil had an argument as to who is better programmer.
It took some time untill they came to an agreement to hold a contest, with the God as a judge. They were typing for a long time and then unexpectedly was a cut of power. Moments later, when the power is restored, God announces the contest is over. He asks devil to show what he has come up with.
Devil cries and says: I have nothing, I lost everything when the power went out"
God came to Jesus and asked him to show his project. Jesus entered the command and the screen appeared full of excellent programs.
Devil couldn't believe that. "How did he do that? There was a power cut!" - Devil asked.
God smiled and said: "Jesus saves".

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