Funny religious jokes

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religious jokes

(34) religious jokes

1

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first Priest," I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replys," No son, you're not!" So he says to the second,"I'm Jesus Christ." He says,"No, son, you're not." The drunk says," Look I can prove it." He takes the two Preists into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says," JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"

74.34% (905 votes)
2

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

71.8% (763 votes)
3

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!!!"

71.34% (641 votes)
4

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.
Next!"

71.18% (603 votes)
5

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.

71.04% (649 votes)
6

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

71% (612 votes)
7

Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day. They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.
He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"

70.98% (609 votes)
8

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

70.94% (607 votes)
9

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

70.88% (598 votes)
10

Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

70.86% (596 votes)
11

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said 'ship her home'. Shocked, the undertaker asked 'but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?' The husband replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !'

70.84% (595 votes)
12

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.

70.82% (601 votes)
13

Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

70.8% (595 votes)
14

The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for 'An act of God', which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.
The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.
One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"

70.78% (594 votes)
15

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.
She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior.
She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."

70.78% (594 votes)
16

A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street.
The driver rush to the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."

70.74% (593 votes)
17

A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop.
Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk.
The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop."
The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?"
The little boy again said, "No Bishop."
The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?"
The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."

70.74% (597 votes)
18

A young curate, in his 1st charge was under the supervision of a vicar with a good sense of humour.
The Vicar was worried that the young curate seemed to have no sense of humour so one day to test him out he told the story, "You know young man, the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife."
At this news the curate was shocked.
Then the vicar said with a laugh, "Yes, the arms of my mother."
This at last raised a smile on the young curate's face.
He was to speak that afternoon to the parish Mothers union, so he thought he might begin by retelling the story as an opener.
So he began, "Ladies, you know the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife."
Then he paused, and finally said, "And for the moment I cannot remember who she was!"

70.74% (599 votes)
19

Jesus and devil had an argument as to who is better programmer.
It took some time untill they came to an agreement to hold a contest, with the God as a judge. They were typing for a long time and then unexpectedly was a cut of power. Moments later, when the power is restored, God announces the contest is over. He asks devil to show what he has come up with.
Devil cries and says: I have nothing, I lost everything when the power went out"
God came to Jesus and asked him to show his project. Jesus entered the command and the screen appeared full of excellent programs.
Devil couldn't believe that. "How did he do that? There was a power cut!" - Devil asked.
God smiled and said: "Jesus saves".

70.72% (590 votes)
20

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.
Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."

70.72% (594 votes)
21

Moses an God were golfing one day as they get to the final hole, between the hole and God was a water trap.
So God asks Moses to hand him his iron.
Moses says, "I really think you should use the putter."
God replies, "Just hand me the iron."
God makes his first shot and it lands in the water.
He looks at moses and says, "Will you go retrieve my ball?"
So Moses walks down to the water parts the waters and retrieves his ball.
They continue the same pattern three more times until Moses finally refuses to go retrieve the ball.
When God goes down to the water to retrieve it an older couple walk by and say, "We have been watching the whole entire time who does he think he is God or something?" and Moses replies, "No Tiger Woods."

70.7% (593 votes)
22

A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church. This was the conversation between them
Pastor: Blessed are those who see and don't talk
Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen

70.66% (631 votes)
23

Ok, so there this girl sleeping in religion class
The teaches asks the class "who is our lord and savior?"
The boy behind the girl pokes her with a pen and she screams jesus christ!
The teacher says "good, now who created the earth in seven days?"
The boy pokes the girl again, she lest "oh my god!"
The teacher says "good, now what did Eve say to Adam after their 11 child?
The boy pokes the girl one more time and the girl yells "if you poke me with that ting one more time im going to break it off!"

70.62% (594 votes)
24

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

70.62% (598 votes)
25

Frank was rather sad when he saw an atheist lying dead on the table.
And the Frank said:
"Look at him...at dressed up and nowhere to go!"

70.62% (598 votes)
26

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

70.6% (595 votes)
27

A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"

70.58% (611 votes)
28

Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car?

A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!

70.58% (594 votes)
29

Jenna, Jessica and ariana die. They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall. Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

70.58% (594 votes)
30

Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.....

70.56% (595 votes)
31

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

70.56% (610 votes)
32

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

70.44% (600 votes)
33

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.
After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."
The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"
The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."

70.28% (598 votes)
34

A Lutheran Pastor, Catholic Priest, and a Baptist Minister all decide to go fishing one Saturday. They load up all their equipment, hook up the boat, and head off to the lake. The unhook the boat and float out to the middle of the lake. The Lutheran Pastor exclaims, "Oh no, we forgot our fishing poles!" The Catholic Priest says, "It is ok, I will get them". He jumps out of the boat, runs across the water, picks up he poles and runs back, jumping back into the boat. The Baptist minister is going crazy in his head, thinking, "I know I have as much faith at him, and yet he walks on water". A little time goes by, and the Catholic Priest says, "You know, I could go for something to eat. We left our lunch in the truck. The Lutheran Pastor says, "I will get them, jumps out of the boat, runs across the water, grabs the lunches and runs back, getting back into the boat. Once again the Baptist Minister is freaking out, and thinks, "How could this be? I know I have as much faith as him"! The sun starts getting hot, and the Catholic Priest comments, I wish we had something to drink, I am hot". At this the Baptist Minister thinks to himself, here is my chance to prove my faith. He says as he jumps out of the boat, "I will get the water in the truck". He sinks into the water, and the Lutheran Pastor and the Catholic Priest pull him back into the boat. Now soaked, he say in exasperation, "I know I have as much faith as you two, I don't get it". The Lutheran Pastor, laughing now says, "It isn't a matter of faith, it is knowing where the rocks in the lake are".

69.24% (13 votes)