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Walking down a street, a U.S. Senator is tragically struck and killed by a truck.
Suddenly, he’s at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter and says, “I am ready to go in.” St. Peter says, “Not quite yet, there was a problem. We seldom see high officials around these parts you see, so we weren’t sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I received orders from the higher-ups, and we do have our rules. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven; then you can choose where to spend eternity."
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and the Senator goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open to a beautiful green golf course. The sky is magnificent, and in the distance is a spectacular clubhouse. All his colleagues who worked with him in the Senate are there. They are in evening dress and run to greet him. They shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on the finest caviar and lobster while enjoying the finest champagne. Also present is the devil who is very friendly and having a good time dancing and telling jokes. Before the Senator knows it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator doors close.
The elevator goes up, up, up. When the doors open, St. Peter is waiting for him and says, "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So the Senator goes in. Twenty-four hours later, the Senator again finds himself with St. Peter.
St. Peter says, “Now choose your eternity." The Senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down back to Hell.
The elevator doors then open to a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his colleagues dressed in rags and picking up the debris as more falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around the Senator's shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here, and it was a proverbial paradise. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning; then you voted.
A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc , can you get this wart off my ass?
Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast. They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes. Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped. Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped. Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped. The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said "Why? We can both jump." "How is that?" said the monk. the boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!!!"
A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no..... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"
What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?
The optimist studies English.
The pessimist studies Chinese.
The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.
Romanians and Russians playing at THE Olympics.
After a great fight Romanians wins the title.
Next day Putin sends a letter to Bucharest:
You played well.Stop.We all enjoy your game. Stop. We are so proud of you. Stop. Credits. Stop. Gas. Stop. Crops. Stop
WWhat Liberals & Conservatives Generally Do In Certain Situations
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't` eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home?
Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.
Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying."
The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
Mexicans cross the border 1....2....and 4 at one time, never 3. why?
Because the sign says - no tres passing.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris?
Don't know...its never been done.
God created earth and heaven, the rest was made in China.
Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.
Swine Flu is the only thing left in Mexico that still does its job.
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?He said quickly Obama. When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Europe to Iceland:
Why did you send us volcanic ash? Our airspace has shut down.
Iceland: What? That's what you asked for isn't it?
Europe: NO! We said cash! CASH!
One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
Q: In what country, where the people live are always hungry?
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up.
One sunny day in February, 2016 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again,just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said,"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
Q: Why did Mexico send only a couple thousand Mexicans to fight in the Alamo?
A: Because they only had 4 trucks.