10 last added jokes in our collection ordered from newest jokes to older ones. There are new jokes added daily. Please rate new jokes by clicking on smiles, so new jokes will be also rated!
The man and his family go to a restaurant for supper.
The man orders soup for starters, so the waiter brings the soup with his thumb in it and the man says:
Why is your thumb in my soup?
The waiter says: I was hanging a picture in the kitchen and I bang my thumb and the doctor told to keep it in a warm place to ease the swelling.
The man says: Why don't you stick it up there where the sun don't shine.
The waiter says: Well there is where I had it but, they needed me to help serve!
A Lutheran Pastor, Catholic Priest, and a Baptist Minister all decide to go fishing one Saturday. They load up all their equipment, hook up the boat, and head off to the lake. The unhook the boat and float out to the middle of the lake. The Lutheran Pastor exclaims, "Oh no, we forgot our fishing poles!" The Catholic Priest says, "It is ok, I will get them". He jumps out of the boat, runs across the water, picks up he poles and runs back, jumping back into the boat. The Baptist minister is going crazy in his head, thinking, "I know I have as much faith at him, and yet he walks on water". A little time goes by, and the Catholic Priest says, "You know, I could go for something to eat. We left our lunch in the truck. The Lutheran Pastor says, "I will get them, jumps out of the boat, runs across the water, grabs the lunches and runs back, getting back into the boat. Once again the Baptist Minister is freaking out, and thinks, "How could this be? I know I have as much faith as him"! The sun starts getting hot, and the Catholic Priest comments, I wish we had something to drink, I am hot". At this the Baptist Minister thinks to himself, here is my chance to prove my faith. He says as he jumps out of the boat, "I will get the water in the truck". He sinks into the water, and the Lutheran Pastor and the Catholic Priest pull him back into the boat. Now soaked, he say in exasperation, "I know I have as much faith as you two, I don't get it". The Lutheran Pastor, laughing now says, "It isn't a matter of faith, it is knowing where the rocks in the lake are".
A daughter wakes up at 3 a.m. and asks her mother, "Mummy, tell me a fairy tale."
Mother replied, "Daddy will get back soon and he will tell both of us a fairy tale."
A young bull and an old bull were in a pasture, looking at a distant pasture which contained numerous cows.
The young bull said, "Let's run over to that pasture and scr*w a couple of those cows."
The old bull said, "Let's walk and scr*w all of them."
One sunny day in February, 2016 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again,just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said,"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
My wife told me to go out and get some of those pills, that would help me get an er*ction.
When I came back, I handed her some diet pills.
Walking down a street, a U.S. Senator is tragically struck and killed by a truck.
Suddenly, he’s at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter and says, “I am ready to go in.” St. Peter says, “Not quite yet, there was a problem. We seldom see high officials around these parts you see, so we weren’t sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I received orders from the higher-ups, and we do have our rules. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven; then you can choose where to spend eternity."
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and the Senator goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open to a beautiful green golf course. The sky is magnificent, and in the distance is a spectacular clubhouse. All his colleagues who worked with him in the Senate are there. They are in evening dress and run to greet him. They shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on the finest caviar and lobster while enjoying the finest champagne. Also present is the devil who is very friendly and having a good time dancing and telling jokes. Before the Senator knows it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator doors close.
The elevator goes up, up, up. When the doors open, St. Peter is waiting for him and says, "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So the Senator goes in. Twenty-four hours later, the Senator again finds himself with St. Peter.
St. Peter says, “Now choose your eternity." The Senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down back to Hell.
The elevator doors then open to a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his colleagues dressed in rags and picking up the debris as more falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around the Senator's shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here, and it was a proverbial paradise. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning; then you voted.
Two drills are on a ship, when a fire alarm goes off. One drill says to the other drill, "Don't worry, it's just a drill".
Sam and Fred were out golfing, and as they approached the tee for the fifth hole, Sam turned to Fred and said, "Those two ladies on the sixth tee are too slow. Why don't you run up there and ask if we can play through?"
Fred jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back to the fifth tee as fast as his legs could carry him! "I can't talk to those ladies! One of them is my wife and the other is my m*stress! You go up and ask them!"
Sam jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back as fast as his legs could carry him! As he approached Fred, he exclaimed, "By God, it's a small world, isn't it?"
A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train." The farmer says,"Sure, and if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."