Family jokes / page 6

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category: Family jokes

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

70.68% like joke (592 votes)
category: Family jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

70.72% like joke (590 votes)
category: Family jokes

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.

70.76% like joke (596 votes)
category: Family jokes

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

70.7% like joke (591 votes)
category: Family jokes

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.
What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,
"The meaning of dreams"

70.7% like joke (591 votes)
category: Family jokes

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"?
Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question"
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!!!
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags....!

70.56% like joke (592 votes)
category: Family jokes

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

70.64% like joke (591 votes)
category: Family jokes

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, 'gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ...'

70.82% like joke (592 votes)
category: Family jokes

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left.The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.the first man said:

"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."

That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.

"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"

That is to horrific. he asked the third man how he died and he said.

"Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator......."

70.72% like joke (592 votes)
category: Family jokes

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ... I took her to a petrol station ...

70.48% like joke (592 votes)
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