Family jokes

Funny jokes about family, wedding jokes, marriage jokes. ....

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A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"?
Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question"
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!!!
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags....!

rating: 2.88 of 88 votessend joke:

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I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

rating: 3.17 of 422 votessend joke:

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The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, 'gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ...'

rating: 3.11 of 106 votessend joke:

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There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left.The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.the first man said:

"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."

That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.

"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"

That is to horrific. he asked the third man how he died and he said.

"Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator......."

rating: 3.15 of 354 votessend joke:

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When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ... I took her to a petrol station ...

rating: 2.96 of 75 votessend joke:

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A man goes to see a wizard and says 'can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?' 'Maybe,' says the wizard, 'if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?' The man replies without hesitation 'I pronounce you man and wife ...'

rating: 3.19 of 188 votessend joke:

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Marriage is a three ring circus ... engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...

rating: 3.23 of 220 votessend joke:

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Boy asks his Gran nervously, 'have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?'
Gran replies 'fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!'

rating: 3.29 of 175 votessend joke:

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A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !

Husband says 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ...' So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 !

rating: 3.18 of 81 votessend joke:

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English man Irish man Scotch man are in a desert, they got captured by the Germans. The Germans say, I will give you one thing before you die. The Englishman man say water, the Scotch man say whiskey, the Irish man says a car door. The Germans say, why do you want a car door. The Irish man says, because when it gets hot, it can wind down the window.

rating: 2.81 of 70 votessend joke:

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