Dirty jokes are based on taboo, often s*xual content or vocabulary. Jokes deals with topics that are considered to be in poor taste or overly vulgar by the prevailing morals in a culture.
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
Whats the difference between being hungry and being h*rny?
Where you put the cucumber.
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?
Ok, So superman was flying around on day after he had saved the world. "Man that was hard work, Now I need to relax and f*ck a b*tch."
And so he went to the batcave. He walked over to batman and asked, "You know any hoes that just want to have s*x?"
Batman looked and replied, "Well I heard superwomen wants to have s*x."
Superman looked at him and shook his head,"Well superwomen wants to have s*x with EVERYONE."
So intern he goes to robin, "Look robin I know your gay and all but do you know any hoes that want to f*ck."
Robin replies, "Well I heard superwomens pretty good."
Superman looks and says,"Well EVERYONE hears superwomen is good."
Pissed superman flies off. While hes flying he passes over a field. He looks down and sees superwomen completly naked with her legs spread.
Superman thinks to himself, "I can get in and out in faster than a speeding bullet."
So he flies down gets in and gets out faster than a bullet.
Back in the field superwomen looks around and says, "What the f*ck was that?"
and invisible man says, "I don't know but my ass hurts."
I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said 'Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in.' So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...
Two cannibals were eating a Clown.
One cannibal look at the other cannibal and said, "Does it taste funny to you?"
FOUR stages of girl & boy relation!
1. hand in hand.
2. that in hand.
3. hand in that.
4. that in that.
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
The l*sbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?" The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Teacher: How we use the light?
Pupil: To suck it?
Teacher: Why do you say so?
Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the light, I wanna suck it!"
When did Pinocio realized that he is made from wood?
When his right arm caught on fire...
A company once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, but they soon realized it wouldn't work because Chuck Norris won't take shit from anyone.
Men is at the airport.
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean, male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn Â´ t that hostile?
- Horse style, d*ggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast! :-))
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"
Man gives blood too save his wifes life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says too wife, "I want my blood back you B*TCH!"
Wife throws the tampon at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you B*STARD."
There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please.The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions.The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence.The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have? The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have? The lady said potat.Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have?"But there's no fuck in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you.!!
A young man walks into a bar and orders a Kamikaze.
As soon as he is severed he slams it down. And before the bartender can walk away he calls out I need a shot of Tequila.
So the bat tender pours the tequila. And no sooner than he is server he slam it back and then the young man asks for a shot of Gin.
The bar tender compiles with the request, and out of curiosity asks the young man are you celebrating?
The young man nods, and says quietly mt first blow job.
The bartender smiles and says I remember my first.
The young man looks up and says so how did you get rid of that taste?
A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap.
Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said, " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y.
"Nope!" replied George.
Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face, "You want C-A-N-D-Y."
Nope!" replied George.
"Then just what the hell do you want," ask Santa.
George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, "I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger!!"
A little boy asks his Mum 'why am I black and you are white ?' 'Don't even ask,' she replies 'when I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you not bark !'
During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin. "I was talking about the flavour!"
Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny.
Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow."
Doctor starts and woman begins to moan. Doctor gets faster and harder.
Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?"
Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face.
She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today."
Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....."
With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?"
Sally replied, "No... really salty!"
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???" "DO IT!."
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his privates unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Before having s*x, Tony thought about being a little romantic.
He told his wife, "I'll kiss your lips...then move up to your bellybutton."
Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like sh.t."
"But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies.
"But, I do."
Two blokes sitting in a bar, 1 says, "After 10 years of marriage, s*x is down to three times a year."
The other replies, "Same here pal, as a matter of fact if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have none at all."
Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:
"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!!
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special offer for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint my house."
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that.
Can you imagine?
Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Pr*stitute in the police station. The desk officer sayes 'so when did you realise you were raped ?' She replies ... 'when the cheque bounced !'
What is difference between woman and condom ?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet ... than on your d*ck !
Why are there gates around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
A guy picks up a pr*stitute and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel.
A few days later, he finds that he has caught crabs.
He chases down the prostitute and says, "hey bitch, you gave me crabs".
She replies, "what'd you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"
2 cowboys talking about s*x.
1 cowboy says 'I like the rodeo position !'
'I haven't heard of that ... ' says the other cowboy, 'what is it ?' 'Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper 'these feel just like your sisters' and try and hold on for 8 seconds !'
What do t*rrorists and slags have in common?
The things they blow often go up.
Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
A: For a better grip on there broomstick!
An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
'What are you so happy about ?' asks the landlord.
'Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !'
'Did you get a blow job ?' asks the landlord.
'No ...' he says, 'I never found the head.'
After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.
Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Frank says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies, "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
A bloke asks his mate 'do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?'.
His mate replies 'yeah, if she calls ...'
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee.
"Sitting Bull," He asked,
"Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?"
"Well," says Sitting Bull,
"Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs fucking?"
A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.
From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king. He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here." He begins to have sex with her the whole night.
She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"
During a war warrior shouted against 3 ladies
Warrior: I am going to r*pe you all.
Younger lady: But please leave our grand mother.
Grand mother: Shut up, war is war.
A woman asked her lover, "Would you keep f*ck me that much even after marriage?
He replied, "Sure dear, if your husband had no objection."
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won't beat me up
- won't run away from
- is great in bed.
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?"
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says.
"Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good...
So I just swapped their heads."
A muslim was sat next to an Australian on an aeroplane. After the plane had taken off the air hostess came over and asked for drinks orders. The Australian orders a 'Jack Daniels' and coke. The air hostess asks the muslim if he too would like a drink ? Looking at the Australians drink, the muslim replies in disgust 'Id rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and had my head shoved up a sheeps arsehole, than let liquor pass my lips !' The Aussie passes the drink back to the air hostess and says 'Strewth, I didn't know we had a choice !'
An old married couple were having s*x and the wife says, "Baby, suck my nipples!"
The man dies; autopsy said, 'Reason for death: Expired Milk'
What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women?
A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"This is the pig I have to f*ck when you're not up for s*x."
His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep."
He says: " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
What does a Rubik's cube and a pen*s have in common?
They both get harder the longer you play with them.
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks 'if you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ...' He replies 'If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself !'
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
I use camouflage condoms so they cant see me coming.
Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style
- the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic s*x.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific s*x life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
He came into my room late at night. He sat over my body, He sucked, swallowed and he left. It was terrible. It was a BLOODY MOSQUITO!
What do a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They both can smell it, but they can't eat it!
I don't know whats happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. Its a nightmare ... you just don't know whether to carry sweets or money !
A guy says to his best friend "Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!"
His best friend asks him "Why are you scr*wed?"
The guy responds "Well my girlfriend took me out to dinner with her parents, and gave me a h*ndjob under the table..."
His friend says "DUDE Thats awesome! Why are you scr*wed though?"
The guy says "It was a glass table."
Been chatting to a 14 yr old on the internet.
She is funny, s*xy and flirty.
Now she tells me she is an undercover cop.
How cool is that at her age!!
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
Dad says to his son, "Don't mast*rbate to much because you will go blind."
Son say, "I'm over here?"
A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.
He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!"
"Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!"
The man starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.
Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"
A man walks into the bar and sees a sign:
Cheese sandwich: $2
He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks.
"Are you the one giving out handjobs?"
"Yes I am!" she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.
"Okay," he said.
"Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!"
Reebok have released new ultra skintight cycling shorts for woman called 'mumblers'.
You can see the lips move, but you can't make out
what the cunt's saying!
A wise man once said, "You should treat your woman the way you treat your hoover!!, when it stops sucking.... change the bag."
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.
He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.
When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some 'desert.' Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.
Joe asks what the dollar is all about.
The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him -- give him a dollar.' The lunch was my idea."
A woman wants everything from one man.
A man wants one thing from all the women.
Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . does any one know what that is?
"Yes," says Tommy.
"My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m*sturbate, do you think?
A. you need more time together
B. she's a prude
C. she should have sat elsewhere on the bus
5 years old boy and mom showering.
boy asks: What happened between your legs?
mom: Ummm, fell on a axe.
boy: Wow! by your p*ssy?
What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside?
.. Coconut.... What were you thinking?
A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
One day, a hippie and a nun get on a bus. The hippie whispers into the nun's ear and says
"you wanna have sex?" and the nun says,
"no way you sicko!", after that, the hippie gets off the bus and tells the bus driver to tell the nuns to go to the graveyard at 9:00pm that night. At 9:00pm the nun arrives at the graveyard and the hippie is there dressed as god. The hippie then commands the nun to have sex with him and the nun replies,
"Ok, but can you do it up the back?", the hippie agrees and they do it.
after they're done, the hippie pulls of his mask and yells,
"HA! I am the hippie from the bus" then the nun pulls of HIS mask and says "HA! I am the bus driver!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."
Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!!"
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Why was the BLIND blonde sitting on newspaper?
So she can lip read.
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any s*xual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
What did the Left Nut say to the right nut?
Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a d*ck!.....
Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"
Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
Little Johnny got caught stealing in a FOOD 4 LESS and runs away from the cops. He runs towards his school and into his classroom.
He asks his teacher "May I please hide in your classroom because I got caught stealing".
The teacher says "Yes".
Little Johnny first hides under a desk, but no, the cops can see him there.
He then hides behind the door, but no, the cops can see him there.
So the teacher suggested to little Johnny "Hide under my long, fluffy skirt".
Little Johnny says "O.K."
The cops arrive and ask the teacher "Have you seen a little boy around here?".
The teacher replies "sorry, I haven't".
When the cops left the classroom the teacher says" Johnny, the cops are gone.you can come out now".
Little johnny replies" not yet, I got one more braid to go".
There was three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms.
The mom walked by all the rooms.
The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet.
The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, "My boyfriend said not to talk with my mouth full."
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
This young boy named Don walked into a whorehouse, slammed his money on the counter and said, "I want a woman!"
The man behind the counter asked, "How old are you?
"Don, replied, "I'm 17!
"The man said, "Your too young, come back when your older, mean while practice on trees.
"A year later Don once again came back to the whorehouse, swung the front door open, then shut, stomped over to the front desk and slammed his money on the counter harder then before.
He screamed, "GIVE ME A WOMAN!"
The man behind the counter said, "How old are you?"
Don, shouted, "I AM 18!"
The man took Don's money and said, "OK, up stairs, second door on the left."
Don didn't miss a beat. He ran up those stairs so fast he skipped every other step. It wasn't about 5 minutes later when the man behind the counter heard the whore up stairs screaming in complete and utter agony. So he jumped over the counter and ran up the stairs.
Once at the room he kicked in the door and to his surprise Don had a broomstick shoved right up the whore's p*ssy.
The man shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Don simply replied, "Checking for squirrels..."
What do you call a pr*stitue with a runny nose?
In the morning Little Johnny says to his father, "Daddy last night I had my first s*xual encounter."
His father looks at him proudly and says, "When are you planniing to do it again?"
"I don't know daddy ever since it happened my ass has been hurting like crazy."
A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag. He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."
Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel
"How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant
"Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"
A shepherd goes to a television programme.
A man of the viewers stand up and asks him, "What was the best day of your life?"
The shepherd answers, "Well...the best day of my life was when I lost my donkey in Cuccureddu's mountain, when I found it, i took it to the village's square and everyone fu**ed it."
A second man of the viewers asks him, "And the second best day of your life?"
And the shepherd, "Well...the second one was when in lost a sheep in Cuccureddu's mountain, when I found it, I took it to the village's square and everyone fu**ed it."
So, after that, a third man of the viewers stand up and asks, "And the worse day of your life?."
"The worse day of my life was when I got lost in Cuccureddu's mountain..."
Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine."
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
Following the crash of a single seater plane into a graveyard just outside Dublin a spokesman for the Irish police said that they were unable to give a final d*ath toll but so far they had recovered 116 bodies.
A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak.
In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the balls
are just there for decoration.
A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, "What are you doing ?"
His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"
Boy say, "Do her d*ggy style I want a puppy."
Man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a d*ldo up her.
"What are you doing," he shouts.
"Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute," she explains.
The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a d*ldo up his arse
drinking a can of beer, "What are you doing," she shouts.
He replays, "Having a beer with your boyfriend."
One night on christmas eve, santa came down the chimney. He was putting toys under the tree for the good girls and boys of the house. When he got the errie feeling that someone was staring at him. He turned around and sure enough a lady in a nelgiee was looking at him.
When she noticed santa looking at her she said, "Santa can you stay, can yuo stay?"
Santa, "Hey, hey hey, me have to go. Have to deliever toys for good girls and boys."
So then she pulled down her negliee and showed santa her breast. "Santa, can you stay, can you stay?"
Santa, "Hey, hey, hey. Me got to go. Have to deliever toys to good girls and boys."
Then she took off everything and stood naked in front of santa and said, "Santa can you stay, can you stay?"
Santa, "Hey,hey, hey. Me have to stay. Can't go up the chimney this a way!"
Boy in the bath with his mum. Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."
A man and woman doing staff in bed after midnight. At one point they hear a car noise and a strong brake.
Woman : Take your staff and run on the window. I think that`s my husband.
The man panics, jumps out of bad , takes his clothes from all over the place, and jumps on the window.
After a while the same guy with his clothes knocks at the door :
-Hey wife, I think we are a little bit stressed.
Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys?
Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips ;)
Mum and dad were having s*x and their child came and said: Dad what are you doing ?
Dad: I'm havin fun.
Child: Can I join ?
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis.
Lady asks, "What are you?"
He says, "I'm a fireman."
"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.
He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass."
pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"
What does it mean to come home for love tenderness compassion, understanding
and great s*x ?
It means you're in the wrong f*king house!
Wife says to husband, "You make love like you decorate."
Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?"
"NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."
A man says to his wife, "Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing."
Wife says, "I dont want to go."
Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se.
Wife pick blow job. After she sucking for a while she says, "It tastes like sh*t.
Man says, "I know, dog didnt want to go fishing either."
"Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"
A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun."
When they are up their the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!"
The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "Mom were just having s*x." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."
There was a boy watching tv with his parents.
A sex scene comes on.
The boy asks what the people are doing.
The mom said "they were just making a cake."
The boy goes"oh yea, i saw u and daddy making a cake yesterday and i Licked up all the icing."
What's the difference between a cheerleader and a wash-machine...?
A wash-machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.....
Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball ?
You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball !
There was once a priest who wanted to loosen up and get some entertaiment
His brother a pimp showed him to a strip club, but the priest yelled, "Are you out of your mind!?"
The brother countered, "Got any better ideas?"
The priest nodded and took him to a boy scout camp and said, "Litte boy I will give you 10 dollars to take off your clothes and shake it!"
The little boy accepted and started to dance. The priest excitedly said, "NOW THIS IS ENTERTAIMENT!"
Hitler conquering another village while ww2 and he decided to give a chance for every woman in this village to save their families.
He made all men to stand naked one next to another in stright line and every woman have to find her husband by doing them bl*wjob. First woman starts to suck and saying:
- not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, Mine!
It's turn out that she was right so they could walk away free. Second woman starts to suck:
- not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, MINE!!
True again so Hitler was deeply surprised and decided to stand in line between men of village. Third woman starts to doing her job and saying:
-not mine, not mine, not mine , not mine, not from this village, not mine......
A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran ! Johnny just looks at him and says 'not so funny when its your mum is it ?'
A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
'We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do ?' she asks.
Husband replies 'Put it between your legs to keep it warm'.
'But it stinks !' she exclaims.
'So hold its nose !'
How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you ?
Well, if you have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth ...
A true story:Harry,Doug and Larry were working for the council pot holeing a road in the country,Doug drove the old Bedford truck while Harry and Larry walked behind and shoveled gravel into the holes on the road,Chatting away about all sorts of things quite a lot of bullshit too we imagine. Next thing Harry says Gee ive got to have a shit,So its hang on Doug,and Harry disapears up behind a log in the scrub on the side of the road. Now the log rose slightly up off the ground and Larry could see Harry`s bare arse appear under the log,So Larry being a bit of a character Sneaks up real quietly and slides his shovel under the log and under Harry`s arse,then sneaks off with his shit!When Harry finished his shit and turned around it was Gone!Totally Bewildered he went back to the truck telling the others that he could have sworn he dropped a shit but when he looked around it was Gone.Doug and Larry never ever let on what Larry did and told the story to many whom has split their sides laughing with tears in their eyes.Blokes have always said that it would have worried Harry if Larry could have thrown some rabbit guts in under Harrys arse!
If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't three inches long and crooked ...?
Why cant you trust a woman ? How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days ... and still doesn't die !
Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard pr*stitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing case.
Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how are going to live on $800 a year."
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
Two doctors are having s*x, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."
She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a f*cking thing!"
Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ? In both cases you really dont want to look down !
A man says to his wife 'Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' His wife replies 'You've got a bigger cock than your brother ...'
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a pr*stitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
Undertaker to bereaved husband.
When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?
Well he replies, "The s*x was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up."
A man is on a plane
The pilot starts talking on the intercom and then lays it down without knowing its still on.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could use two things right now, a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
stuartist runs up the isle to tell the pilot to turn off the intercom.
The man stands up and says, "Hey hun, dont forget the coffee."
Q: What does a blonde and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: They blow, suck, an can fit in a closet.
Two gays Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest.
Cecil ask, "What you doing?""
Rupert said, "I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest.
Cecil said, "Don't be fucking stupid, if that was true I would have a ponytail sticking out of my arse..."
A guy feels out an application for E-harmony to meet the ladies.
E-harmony rejected his application because he failed to answer question 14 properly.
The question was, "What do you like most in a woman."
The man replied, "My d*ck."
What is the geographical definition of s*x?
Ans: It is an action done by the polland in the holland between the thailand with the little help of greece.
Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. 'Ive never done that' she says, 'what do I do ?' 'Well' replies Ben, 'remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do.' She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?'
Ben cries 'TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END !!!'
What do american beer and making love in a canoe have in common?
It's fu*king close to water!
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her p*ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says,"Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight p*ssy!".
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work.
Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby.
Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your d*ck at least a foot long?"
John had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least four inches wide?"
Once more John replied in the negative.
"Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"
Being a very religious kind of person, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the p*rn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "It's regular p*rn, you sick b*stard!!"
An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.
The Greek: We built the Acropolis!
the Italian: We built the colloseum!
The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!
the Italian: We made the Roman Empire!
The Greek: We discovered sex!!
the Italian: And we introduced it to women!!
A boy come suddenly and find out his dad having s*x with his mom.
He said, "Hey dad, wha are you doing?"
Dad: "I'm just making baby for you ."
Boy: "So come on, have your way with me and make me a nice bike.",
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"?
"FIRETRUCK"!!! What were you thinking?
What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?
What were you thinking?!?!?!
"Mommie, Mommie....did you know that nurses can come apart..?"
"Well...no. What makes you say that..?"
"Because the other night, I overheard Daddy say that he screwed the ass off of a nurse..!"
A man is working a a d*ldo store, when a brunette walks in.
She asks him how much for the black d*ldo? he replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything.
A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white d*ldo? he replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn't buy anything.
A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a d*ldo? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one.
She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? he says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it.
At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no d*ldos but i sold your thermos for $250.
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked?
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' Daddy?"
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the
floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.
Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
The 90 minutes or so, the teamwork, the scoring, the noise, the passion, the ecstasy, the intensity, the satisfaction after the end of it all ... I love gang rape.
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
Q. whats the difference between a cloud and a woman?
A. if they both f*ck off you will have a good day.
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
There is this guy and he wants to marry a girl but he is bad at choosing girls so he has a contest.
First one to get as many ping pong balls as they can is my wife.
The first girl brings back a whole bucket of them. the guy goes good, good.
The 2 girl brings back a truck load of ping pong balls. He says, "Wow that will be hard to beat."
Then the 3 girl comes back all bloody and bruised and is holding 2 big bloody things.
The guy says, "What are those, I said ping pong balls."
"Oh,"Says the 3 girl, "I thought you said King Kong's balls."
Q:- When did Pinocio find out that he was made from wood?
A:- When he caught fire.
The teacher tells her students: "Students tomorrow I want you to bring me a story that has to do with s*x."
The next day the students are ready and the teacher says: Ok she asks the first girl to tell the class a story on s*x!
The little girl says: Teacher the neighbor's cat had little kittens!
The teacher says: That's a good story and she asks the next student and he says:" Teacher I climb the tree in my back yard and there was a bird's nest full of baby birds"! The teacher now asks Johnny to tell her a story on sex! Johnny says: "teacher there they were the Lone Ranger and Tonto surrounded by Indians and so the Lone Ranger and Tonto shot and k*lled all the Indians teacher! The teacher says:"Well Johnny that's a perfectly good story but, what does that have to do with s*x? Johnny says:"Teacher nobody F**ks with the Lone Ranger".
Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra."
Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?"
Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!!!"
This gay guy is in the doctor's waiting to get a prostate exam!
The technician walks in and as he is ready to do the exam, the gay guy says: Could you use two fingers when you do the exam?
The technician says: Why two fingers? The gay guy says: I liked a second opinion!