Funny Chuck Norris jokes

Chuck Norris jokes are jokes about martial artist and actor Chuck Norris that have become an Internet phenomenon and as a result have become widespread in popular culture. The jokes typically claim that Chuck Norris is some type of irate, all-powerful superbeing.

Chuck Norris jokes

chuck norris jokes (172)

1

Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.

71.26% (626 votes)
2

Chuck Norris could start a fire with 2 ice cubes.

71.02% (596 votes)
3

Chuck Norris went to every planet in the galaxy. That is why there is no life on any of them.

70.88% (596 votes)
4

It is more of a challenge for Chuck Norris to kill something with a gun than with his bare hands.

70.88% (593 votes)
5

When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he's retreating.
He's not. He's just attacking from another direction.

70.88% (593 votes)
6

Chuck Norris can walk on water..,he's not God...the water is just afraid of getting him wet.

70.86% (612 votes)
7

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK, AND SMELLS LIKE A DUCK BUT CHUCK NORRIS SAYS ITS A GIRRAFE ITS A DAMN GIRRAFE!

70.84% (602 votes)
8

Suicide committed Chuck Norris.

70.82% (605 votes)
9

Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch

70.82% (592 votes)
10

Chuck Norris doesn't swim (even though he can), the water holds Chuck Norris up.

70.82% (592 votes)
11

Some people wear Superman Underwear, Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.

On the other hand, Chuck Norris wears no underwear.

70.82% (592 votes)
12

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

70.82% (592 votes)
13

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.

70.82% (592 votes)
14

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

70.82% (592 votes)
15

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

70.82% (592 votes)
16

Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail.

70.82% (592 votes)
17

Chuck Norris actually died a while back.
Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.

70.82% (592 votes)
18

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

70.82% (594 votes)
19

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

70.8% (597 votes)
20

In an average living room there are 242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

70.78% (592 votes)
21

When Chuck Norris plays hangman, he decides what the word is.

70.78% (594 votes)
22

There was no volcanic eruption in Iceland - Chuck Norris opened the BBQ season.

70.78% (594 votes)
23

Chuck Norris made The Joker lose his permanent smile.

70.78% (594 votes)
24

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

70.78% (591 votes)
25

Chuck Norris can get a Black-Jack with one card.

70.78% (591 votes)
26

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer...
...sadly he never cries....

70.78% (591 votes)
27

Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys. the cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore. the first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out."

The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."

Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his penis.

70.78% (591 votes)
28

Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.

70.78% (591 votes)
29

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

70.78% (591 votes)
30

Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

70.78% (591 votes)
31

Chuck Norris once beat the sun at a staring contest.

70.78% (591 votes)
32

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

70.78% (591 votes)
33

Global warming is caused by transient energy leftover from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.

70.78% (591 votes)
34

God said let there be light.
Chuck Norris said say please.

70.76% (594 votes)
35

Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!

70.74% (600 votes)
36

If Chuck Norris was a spartan the movie would be called "1".

70.74% (591 votes)
37

Do you know why babys cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.

70.74% (593 votes)
38

Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.

70.74% (595 votes)
39

How many push-ups did Chuck Norris make?

All of them.

70.72% (590 votes)
40

Chuck Norris sleeps until he tells the sun to get up.

70.72% (590 votes)
41

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

70.72% (590 votes)
42

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

70.72% (590 votes)
43

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

70.72% (590 votes)
44

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

70.72% (590 votes)
45

People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.

70.72% (590 votes)
46

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.

70.72% (590 votes)
47

You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.

70.72% (590 votes)
48

It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.

70.72% (596 votes)
49

When a Jedi dies they become part of the force, when the force dies it becomes part of Chuck Norris.

70.72% (600 votes)
50

Chuck Norris jumped the grand canyon....longways

70.7% (591 votes)
51

Chuck Norris doesn't play computer games,the computer plays Chuck Norris games.

70.7% (591 votes)
52

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

70.7% (591 votes)
53

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

70.7% (591 votes)
54

Chuck Norris is not cool.
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco.....

70.7% (593 votes)
55

Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!

70.7% (593 votes)
56

Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.

70.68% (592 votes)
57

Chuck Norris only gives one Xmas present. He allows you to live.

70.68% (592 votes)
58

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

70.68% (592 votes)
59

Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to moonwalk.

70.68% (592 votes)
60

Chuck norris counted to infinite. Twice.

70.68% (592 votes)
61

Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Swieznigger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is. Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man". Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man". Chuck Norris said "get the fuck out of my chair".

70.68% (592 votes)
62

Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

70.68% (592 votes)
63

When Jeronimo jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "CHUUUUCCCKKK NNNNOOOORRRIIIISSSSSS!!!!!"

When Chuck Norris jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

70.68% (596 votes)
64

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real.
It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

70.68% (589 votes)
65

Chuck Norris had never escape from jail. Jail escapes from Chuck Norris.

70.68% (589 votes)
66

Chuck Norris won a gun fight with a knife...

70.68% (589 votes)
67

Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids. The results came back positive. When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"

70.68% (589 votes)
68

God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.

70.68% (589 votes)
69

Chuck Norris doesn't wear boots. His feet are made of boot material.

70.68% (589 votes)
70

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

70.68% (589 votes)
71

There are no bombs, Chuck Norris just jumps out of a helicopter and punches the ground.

70.68% (589 votes)
72

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

70.68% (591 votes)
73

America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.

70.66% (595 votes)
74

The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist!

70.66% (592 votes)
75

The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.

70.66% (592 votes)
76

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

70.66% (592 votes)
77

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

70.66% (592 votes)
78

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

70.66% (592 votes)
79

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

70.66% (592 votes)
80

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

70.64% (591 votes)
81

Chuck norris was once bit by the deadliest cobra in the world. after 5 days of severe pain, the cobra died

70.64% (591 votes)
82

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.

70.64% (591 votes)
83

Chuck Norris calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris

70.64% (591 votes)
84

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

70.64% (591 votes)
85

Chuck Norris's urin is said to add 300 horse power when added to your gas.

70.64% (591 votes)
86

Chuck Norris can win THE GAME.

70.64% (591 votes)
87

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

70.64% (591 votes)
88

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

70.64% (591 votes)
89

Chuck Norris went to the virgin islands. now they are pregnant.

70.64% (591 votes)
90

Person 1: Global Warming doesn't exist. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
Person 2: That's bullhsh*t! everyone knows Chuck Norris doesn't get cold!

70.64% (593 votes)
91

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

70.64% (595 votes)
92

Some people wear Superman pajamas.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

70.62% (590 votes)
93

When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat. The weights do.

70.62% (590 votes)
94

Chuck Norris has been on Mars, that's why there is no life there.

70.62% (590 votes)
95

Chuck Norris owns the gold color at the end of the rainbow.

70.62% (607 votes)
96

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded with, "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

70.62% (592 votes)
97

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

70.62% (592 votes)
98

Chuck Norris doesn't die...he just sleep in the ground for a little bit.

70.62% (596 votes)
99

If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

70.6% (591 votes)
100

Chuck Norris gives Fred Kruger nightmares.

70.6% (591 votes)
101

There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk.

70.6% (593 votes)
102

Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.

70.6% (593 votes)
103

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

70.6% (597 votes)
104

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

70.6% (595 votes)
105

When Chuck Norris does a push up he does not push up, he pushes the world down.

70.58% (590 votes)
106

When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesnt get wet.
The water gets Chuck Norris.

70.58% (590 votes)
107

Chuck Norris email adress is Yahoo@chucknorris.com.

70.58% (590 votes)
108

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

70.58% (590 votes)
109

Chuck Norris once broke the land bike speed record with a bike with a lost chain and a missing back wheel.

70.58% (590 votes)
110

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

70.58% (590 votes)
111

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

70.58% (590 votes)
112

When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord. He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.

70.58% (590 votes)
113

When Truman decided to bomb hiroshima for World War II it was because it was more humane than sending in Chuck Norris

70.58% (590 votes)
114

The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.

70.58% (590 votes)
115

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

70.58% (590 votes)
116

Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.

70.58% (594 votes)
117

Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent. They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.

70.56% (593 votes)
118

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

70.56% (593 votes)
119

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

70.56% (593 votes)
120

Chuck Norris KNOWS Victoria's secret.

70.56% (593 votes)
121

Justin Bieber was inspired by Usher because of his music and dance, Usher was inspired by Michael Jackson The King of Pop, Michael Jackson was inspired by........ Chuck Norris.

70.56% (595 votes)
122

Chuck Norris doesnt have the internet, he has already seen every internet site.

70.56% (597 votes)
123

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

70.56% (590 votes)
124

Chuck Norris once rode a bull threw a China shop, the only thing that broke was the bull.

70.56% (590 votes)
125

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

70.56% (590 votes)
126

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

70.56% (590 votes)
127

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

70.56% (592 votes)
128

If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.

70.56% (592 votes)
129

If Chuck Norris drinks too much, he doesn't throw up, he throws down!

70.54% (596 votes)
130

Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.

70.54% (591 votes)
131

Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.

The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."

"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."

So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.

"That's amazing," said the bartender. "Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."

"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."

So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.

"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."

70.54% (593 votes)
132

Chuck Norris waits for no man.... Not even himself

70.54% (595 votes)
133

Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

70.52% (592 votes)
134

Chuck Norris can read Braille with his scrotum.

70.52% (592 votes)
135

When Chuck goes into outer space his head doesn't pop, space pops around his head!

70.52% (594 votes)
136

People believe in God. God believe in Chuck Norris.

70.52% (592 votes)
137

Chuck Norris never suffers from a heart attack. His heart is too smart to not attack him.

70.52% (592 votes)
138

Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.

70.52% (592 votes)
139

Chuck Norris: Who the hell is he?

70.52% (594 votes)
140

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

70.5% (591 votes)
141

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control

70.5% (591 votes)
142

Chuck Norris went to the White House to cast the final vote today against the 700 Billion Dollar bailout. When asked about his final decision Chuck stood up crumbled his ballot tossed it in the air and round house kicked it back to the Corporate CEO's. The next day when the news media approached the Corporate CEO's and asked about the White House decision the response was, Fucking Norris round house kicked are asses!

70.5% (591 votes)
143

Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in 45 minutes, he spent the first 35 banging the waitress.

70.5% (591 votes)
144

Chuck Norris doesn't use numb-chucks,he chucks them away and uses chuck norris!

70.5% (591 votes)
145

Chuck Norris dosent swim, water just likes him.

70.48% (609 votes)
146

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

70.48% (592 votes)
147

Chuck Norris doesn't cry, water condenses on his face at the appropriate time.

70.48% (592 votes)
148

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

70.48% (592 votes)
149

Global Warming doesn't exist. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

70.48% (592 votes)
150

Chuck Norris can throw a house through a window.

70.48% (600 votes)
151

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

70.44% (591 votes)
152

Once while having s*x in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine.
We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.

70.44% (595 votes)
153

Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.

70.38% (592 votes)
154

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

70.38% (592 votes)
155

Chuck Norris once saw a video that takes 24 hours to watch...
He saw it 3 times a day.

70.38% (625 votes)
156

Do you know why the Earth's spinning ?

Because Chuck Norris is running on it.

70.36% (593 votes)
157

Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.

70.36% (595 votes)
158

Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.

70.34% (594 votes)
159

Do you know why God is called "God"?
Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken.

70.34% (594 votes)
160

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

70.34% (592 votes)
161

When Chuck Norris was a kid his parents took him to a beach in Georgia. While swimming Chuck Norris pants came down and out popped Florida.

70.3% (595 votes)
162

The following is a short list of what Chuck Norris cannot do: .

70.3% (595 votes)
163

Chuck Norris invented water.

70.24% (594 votes)
164

Chuck Norris always has s*x on the bottom
Because he never f*cks up

70.22% (598 votes)
165

Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

70.22% (596 votes)
166

Chuck Norris isn't that powerful; there's no way that he could teleport next to me right now a smash my face against my keybojehrhhfhcyeuqjnj73772/isi8wiwjj..e ,uj,ksjwp';nsj

70.16% (675 votes)
167

I hate Chuck Norris. Oh SHI...

70% (599 votes)
168

Chuck Norris can throw a house through a window.

69.74% (643 votes)
169

God created human. Chuck Norris created God.

69.22% (608 votes)
170

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

69.02% (691 votes)
171

Chuck Norris truck doesn't run on fuel, it runs on fear.

50.84% (120 votes)
172

Chuck Norris was once at the airport. The security told him to take off his shoes.
So Chuck said, "No".

And that was that!

44.68% (299 votes)