Chuck Norris jokes are jokes about martial artist and actor Chuck Norris that have become an Internet phenomenon and as a result have become widespread in popular culture. The jokes typically claim that Chuck Norris is some type of irate, all-powerful superbeing.
Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.
Chuck Norris could start a fire with 2 ice cubes.
Chuck Norris went to every planet in the galaxy. That is why there is no life on any of them.
It is more of a challenge for Chuck Norris to kill something with a gun than with his bare hands.
When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he's retreating.
He's not. He's just attacking from another direction.
Chuck Norris can walk on water..,he's not God...the water is just afraid of getting him wet.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK, AND SMELLS LIKE A DUCK BUT CHUCK NORRIS SAYS ITS A GIRRAFE ITS A DAMN GIRRAFE!
Suicide committed Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch
Chuck Norris doesn't swim (even though he can), the water holds Chuck Norris up.
Some people wear Superman Underwear, Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.
On the other hand, Chuck Norris wears no underwear.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail.
Chuck Norris actually died a while back.
Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
In an average living room there are 242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Chuck Norris plays hangman, he decides what the word is.
There was no volcanic eruption in Iceland - Chuck Norris opened the BBQ season.
Chuck Norris made The Joker lose his permanent smile.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris can get a Black-Jack with one card.
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer...
...sadly he never cries....
Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys. the cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore. the first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out."
The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."
Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his penis.
Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.
Chuck Norris once beat the sun at a staring contest.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Global warming is caused by transient energy leftover from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.
God said let there be light.
Chuck Norris said say please.
Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!
If Chuck Norris was a spartan the movie would be called "1".
Do you know why babys cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.
How many push-ups did Chuck Norris make?
All of them.
Chuck Norris sleeps until he tells the sun to get up.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.
You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.
It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.
When a Jedi dies they become part of the force, when the force dies it becomes part of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris jumped the grand canyon....longways
Chuck Norris doesn't play computer games,the computer plays Chuck Norris games.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris is not cool.
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco.....
Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.
Chuck Norris only gives one Xmas present. He allows you to live.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to moonwalk.
Chuck norris counted to infinite. Twice.
Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Swieznigger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is. Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man". Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man". Chuck Norris said "get the fuck out of my chair".
Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
When Jeronimo jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "CHUUUUCCCKKK NNNNOOOORRRIIIISSSSSS!!!!!"
When Chuck Norris jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real.
It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris had never escape from jail. Jail escapes from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won a gun fight with a knife...
Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids. The results came back positive. When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"
God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear boots. His feet are made of boot material.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
There are no bombs, Chuck Norris just jumps out of a helicopter and punches the ground.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.
The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist!
The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck norris was once bit by the deadliest cobra in the world. after 5 days of severe pain, the cobra died
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.
Chuck Norris calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris's urin is said to add 300 horse power when added to your gas.
Chuck Norris can win THE GAME.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris went to the virgin islands. now they are pregnant.
Person 1: Global Warming doesn't exist. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
Person 2: That's bullhsh*t! everyone knows Chuck Norris doesn't get cold!
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Some people wear Superman pajamas.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat. The weights do.
Chuck Norris has been on Mars, that's why there is no life there.
Chuck Norris owns the gold color at the end of the rainbow.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded with, "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris doesn't die...he just sleep in the ground for a little bit.
If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris gives Fred Kruger nightmares.
There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk.
Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
When Chuck Norris does a push up he does not push up, he pushes the world down.
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesnt get wet.
The water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris email adress is Yahoo@chucknorris.com.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris once broke the land bike speed record with a bike with a lost chain and a missing back wheel.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord. He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.
When Truman decided to bomb hiroshima for World War II it was because it was more humane than sending in Chuck Norris
The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.
Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent. They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris KNOWS Victoria's secret.
Justin Bieber was inspired by Usher because of his music and dance, Usher was inspired by Michael Jackson The King of Pop, Michael Jackson was inspired by........ Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt have the internet, he has already seen every internet site.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull threw a China shop, the only thing that broke was the bull.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.
If Chuck Norris drinks too much, he doesn't throw up, he throws down!
Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.
"That's amazing," said the bartender. "Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."
Chuck Norris waits for no man.... Not even himself
Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can read Braille with his scrotum.
When Chuck goes into outer space his head doesn't pop, space pops around his head!
People believe in God. God believe in Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never suffers from a heart attack. His heart is too smart to not attack him.
Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.
Chuck Norris: Who the hell is he?
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control
Chuck Norris went to the White House to cast the final vote today against the 700 Billion Dollar bailout. When asked about his final decision Chuck stood up crumbled his ballot tossed it in the air and round house kicked it back to the Corporate CEO's. The next day when the news media approached the Corporate CEO's and asked about the White House decision the response was, Fucking Norris round house kicked are asses!
Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in 45 minutes, he spent the first 35 banging the waitress.
Chuck Norris doesn't use numb-chucks,he chucks them away and uses chuck norris!
Chuck Norris dosent swim, water just likes him.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't cry, water condenses on his face at the appropriate time.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Global Warming doesn't exist. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can throw a house through a window.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Once while having s*x in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine.
We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris once saw a video that takes 24 hours to watch...
He saw it 3 times a day.
Do you know why the Earth's spinning ?
Because Chuck Norris is running on it.
Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.
Do you know why God is called "God"?
Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris always has s*x on the bottom
Because he never f*cks up
When Chuck Norris was a kid his parents took him to a beach in Georgia. While swimming Chuck Norris pants came down and out popped Florida.
The following is a short list of what Chuck Norris cannot do: .
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn't that powerful; there's no way that he could teleport next to me right now a smash my face against my keybojehrhhfhcyeuqjnj73772/isi8wiwjj..e ,uj,ksjwp';nsj
I hate Chuck Norris. Oh SHI...
Chuck Norris can throw a house through a window.
God created human. Chuck Norris created God.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris truck doesn't run on fuel, it runs on fear.
Chuck Norris was once at the airport. The security told him to take off his shoes.
So Chuck said, "No".
And that was that!