Blonde jokes are a class of jokes based on a stereotype of dumb blonde women. Funny blonde jokes nearly always take the format of the blonde placing herself in a situation or making a comment that serves to highlight her lack of intelligence.
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff.
The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
A woman yells to a blonde walking along a river, "How do I get on the other side!?" The blonde says, "You are on the other side!"
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her
"This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?
The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!
There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
AA stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
- 'What would you like to talk about?'
- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
- 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the blonde replies,
- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot.
"Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.
"I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.
"What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.
To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."
There is this blond going to Disney World.
She sees a sign that says, "Disney World left".
She turns around and goes home.
College teacher: What's the capital of Texas?
I'm a blonde and I'm pretty smart, I know because people keep on telling me, especially the pretty girl on the bathroom wall .
Why did the blonde spray her computer with raid?
It had a bug.
Why did the blonde give her computer cough medicine?
It had a virus.
A blonde phones up the fire brigade and sayes that her house is on fire. Fireman asks 'how do we get there ?' She replies 'HELLO ... IN THE BIG RED LORRY !'
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
Because it says right on the box, "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: 17 blonds stand out side a workout room, why don't they go in?
A: The sign says must be 18 to enter.
Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
So she could draw blood.
Why did the blonde tip-toe across the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
A boy and a blonde a stranded, in a blazing hot desert. They walk for miles and come across a shop. The boy buys food and water for the journey whilst the blonde bought a car door. "What will you do with a car door?" asked the boy and the blonde replies, "So that I can roll down the window for fresh hair when it gets too hot"
Why does a blonde smile during a lighting storm?
Because she think, that picture being taking.
What's the blondes idea of safe s*x?
Locking the car door.
What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on .
How many blonde jokes are there?
1 the rest of them are true stories.
Q: Why did the blonde write her test in the aeroplane?
A: Because she wanted high marks.
Two blonde women are talking..
- you know, yesterday, I cheated on my husband
- did you do it for money or for love?
- for love of course, 'cause you know $300 is not really money anymore...
A blonde rear ends a man. He gets out of his car and asks:
- Have you ever even taken a driving test?
- Yes, I have, and many times, you idiot!
The blonde was coming home she was on the highway. She turned on the radio and heard a man say that "blondes are stupid" So she goes down further and see's a blonde in the middle of a corn field trying to row a boat. So she stop and get out and yell to her.. "Your the blonde that gives us a bad name, if I could swim I will come out there and kick your ass"
Q:What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:There actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Q: Why don't blonds make ice cubes?
A: Because they don't know the recipe.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put three shovels against the wall and tell her to take her pick.
How do you know if a blonde has been in your car???
The gear stick is wet.
A blonde goes to a sales man to buy a TV, "I want that TV" the man replies, "sorry, I don't sell to blondes.
She went home, died her hair red and went back to the sales man, "I want this TV," "again, "Sorry, I don't sell to blonbes"
Frustrated, she went home, shaved bold and went again " I want this TV!!!" agian, "sorry I dont sell to blondes".
The blonde screams out" HOW THE HELL DO U KNOW I'M BLONDE!?!" he replies, "Caues thats not a TV, it's a microwave!"
How did the Blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her!
What do you do when a Blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the lid and throw it back!
A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
A blond was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold."
"Wow, said the blond, "That's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day..
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied..... ..."Two Popsicles and some coffee."
There is a blonde, a brunette, and a red head running from blonde police and they run down an alley.
The red hides in a garbage.
The brunette hides in a tree
The blonde hides in a huge sack of potatoes.
The cops pass the red and she says, "Meow" and the cops thinks its a cat.
The cops pass the brunette and she lightly moves the tree and the cops think its the wind.
The cops pass the blonde and one of the cops steps on a potatoes the blonde says, "Mashed potatoes."
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar??
She heard drinks were on the house.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100, 1 to hold the lightbulb & 99 to turn the house.
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says She is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the
5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD TOUCH THE GROUND FIRST ON TOP OF A BUILDING FIRST?-THERES A BLONDE OR A JEW.
"A jew because the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
How do you get a 1 armed blonde out of a tree?
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''
A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.."
A blonde walks into a library.
"PLEASE CAN I HAVE A CHEESEBURGER?!" he shouts at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, this is a library," the librarian says.
"Oh, sorry," he whispers. "Please can I have a cheeseburger?"
Two Blonds With Hammers...
Lynn and Julie were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Julie, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them are defective and have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Julie got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
So there are three construction workers. One is blonde, one is brunette and one is a red head.
Everyday, they sit on the top of their construction building and eat lunch. For the past 4 months, they have all gotten tuna sandwiches.
One day the red head says, "That's it! Next time I get tuna sandwich, I am jumping off the roof of this building."
Both the blonde and the brunette agree.
The next day, they all get tuna sandwiches and they all jump off the roof.
As their wives mourn at their funerals, one wife looks at the blonde's wife and says, "I cant believe they jumped off the roof just because of the tuna sandwiches we made them. I feel so bad."
The blonde wife looks up and says, "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
What do u call a blonde with one brain cell?
What do u call a blonde with two brain cells?
Blonde: Hey, What does 'IDK' mean?
Brunnete: I don't know.
Blonde: Oh my god NOBODY KNOWS!
Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
What do u do when a blond girl throws a grenade at u???
U pull the pin out and throw it back!!!
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
Hey, asked the brunette at the wheel, see any cops following us?
The blonde turned around for a long look. As a matter of fact, I do.
Oh, NOOOO! yelled the brunette. Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."