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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."
A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Larry?"
A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender points at him and says, " I'm gonna let you in this time, but don't you start anything"!
Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
A man goes to a bar says, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man it seems i forgot my wallet.
The barman kicks him in the guts and throws him out.
The next day the man comes again, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man i don't have any money on me.
The barman hits him in the face with bar stool brakes his leg and throws him out.
The following day the man comes to the bar again, "Barman drinks on me for the owner and everybody else in here!"
Barman says, "What am not getting a free drink tonight?"
"Sorry man but you get violent when you drink."
A young woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat. "Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?"
The man says, "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy."
The woman says, "Well I think I'm a l*sbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I cant get women off my mind. Yes I think I'm a l*sbian." The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop.
A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him, "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies, "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a l*sbian!"
Man goes to the doctors and sayes 'doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking !' Doctor replies 'do you drink much ?' Man says 'no, I spill most of it !'
A blind man and his dog walks into a bar and the blind man starts swinging hid dog around the barman says, "What are you doing?"
A blind man replies, "Nothing I'm just looking around!!!!
Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.
The bartender says,"What is this, some kind of joke?"
Q: How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2, one to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks 'whats your name ?'
'Carmen' she replies, '... I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?'
The man looks her up and down and sayes 'Beerpussy ...'
4 gay guys walk into a bar and notice there is one stool left.
One gay guy suggest to play rock, paper, scissors and the other gay guy says'
"Stop all this nonsense. Lets just flip the stool over."
There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;
"Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop
asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!! "
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says, "What is that?"
The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it makes you smarter.
The half drunk man says, "Your joking aren't you? and the guy says, "No I am not."
So the drunk says to the bar tender, "Give a large glass of beer."
The drunk opens the bottle and takes a pill and washes it down. A few minutes later the drunk says, "I don't feel smarter." and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill."
So the drunk takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he says, "I still don't feel any smarter. So the drunk says, "Hey,let me see those pills," the drunk takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shit and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shit."
The guy says, "See! your getting smartes allready."
A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!!!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !".
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs and the barman says, "You've got a steering wheel between your legs!"
tThe man replies, "I know its driving me nuts!"
Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, 'what are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night ?
A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve !. First you come home late, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas !"
A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.
The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!
Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman.
With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold.
Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.
Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled:
"Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people !
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the barman for a drink.
The barman says..."Sorry, we don't serve food here."
A man goes to a bar in London for a couple of drinks, as he is sitting alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting in a corner, alone and staring at him.
He gulps down a couple of neats and gathering courage goes upto her and says, Excuse me...I'm Jerry from Baker Street. "Can I sit here and buy you a drink?"
The woman agrees and soon both of them are drinking away like good old friends. Then after everything is through Jerry and the lady walk out of the bar.
Again gathering courage and slightly drunk, he asks her, "Eschcuse me, can we have s*x please?"
The lady says, " Well I don't mind, but you see I'm on my menstrual cycle"
"No problem" says Santa "You proceed on your menstrual cycle, I will follow you in my Honda Civic!"
A man was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a visitor waiting for him outside the bar.
He had just bought another large beer and he didn"t want anyone to drink it.
So, he wrote a little sign on a piece of paper and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When he returned to his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"
A man walks into a bar... ouch!
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread."
So the duck says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread. I told you that."
"Got any bread?" asks the duck.
"No, we don't sell bread here... and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!"
The duck pauses then says, "Got any nails?"
"No," sighs the barman.
So the duck says..."Got any bread?"
Damn! every year this birthday cake seems to be getting smaller. Or the alcohol is getting bigger!!
A man walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender, six shots!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow six shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First bl*wjob!" The bartender then pours him a seventh shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me." The man then says , "Man if six shots cant get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will!"
A pair of glasses walks into to a pub
He asked the bar man for a drink.
and the bar man replies.
I am not serving you ,your off your head.
Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar.
Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "Well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he
actually died in the Auschwitz concentration camp."
Patrick says, "That's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?"
and Mick replies, "No, he fell out of the machine gun tower."
Two irish walking past a pub.
A man goes to a bar that has a party the other day, ee asks The boss.
Man: Can someone here give me a bl*wjob?
Boss: Yeah.Here take this balloons and blow them.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and sits down at the bar. The Bartender walks over and asks why the man has brought an alligator into the bar. The man replies, " I have an offer to make".
The bartender being curious, says,"OK, what's the offer?". The man stands up and says, " If everyone in the bar is willing to buy me one drink each, I will drop my pants, open the alligator's mouth and place my genitals in his mouth and then close his mouth. After one full minute, I will make the alligator open his mouth and remove my gentitals...unscathed." After a few minutes, everyone agrees to buy him a drink. Sure enough, the man drops his pants, opens the alligaor's mouth, places his genitals in it's mouth and then closes it. After one minute, the man hits the alligator over the head with a beer bottle, and the alligator opens his mouth... and as promised, the man's genitals are unscathed.
After about an hour, the man had drank his last free drink and the bartender asks if there is anything else the man would like. The man says, " I have another offer to make". The bartender thinks to himself, "This ought to be good" and tells the man to make his offer. The man stands up again and turns to the other patrons of the bar and says, " If there is anyone else in the room willing to try the same thing, I'll give them $1000", and places 10 $100 bills on the bar.
After a few minutes of talking amongst themselves, a small blonde girl, in the back of the room stands up and says, " Mister, I am willing to give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me with that beer bottle, when I'm done!".
Two gay guys walk into a bar, they deserve it!!!!
A drunk man walks out of the bar and sees a nun standing at the bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she is on the ground crying he says," Not so tough are you now Batman!"
The man and his family go to a restaurant for supper.
The man orders soup for starters, so the waiter brings the soup with his thumb in it and the man says:
Why is your thumb in my soup?
The waiter says: I was hanging a picture in the kitchen and I bang my thumb and the doctor told to keep it in a warm place to ease the swelling.
The man says: Why don't you stick it up there where the sun don't shine.
The waiter says: Well there is where I had it but, they needed me to help serve!