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category: Animal jokes

A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man does that.
The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"

71.7% like joke (680 votes)
category: Religious jokes

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

71.7% like joke (729 votes)
category: Family jokes

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

71.66% like joke (654 votes)
category: D*rty jokes

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

71.64% like joke (655 votes)
category: Computer jokes

Q: What does a baby computer call its dad?
A: Data

71.6% like joke (695 votes)
category: Yo mama jokes

Your mamas so fat that she has to use a paint roller to put her lipstick on.

71.6% like joke (865 votes)
category: Women jokes

Q. What book do you like the most?
A. Woman: "My husbands checkbook."

71.56% like joke (654 votes)
category: D*rty jokes

Whats the difference between being hungry and being h*rny?
Where you put the cucumber.

71.56% like joke (814 votes)
category: D*rty jokes

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

71.52% like joke (634 votes)
category: Animal jokes

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A investigator!

71.5% like joke (727 votes)
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