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When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.
Walking down a street, a U.S. Senator is tragically struck and killed by a truck.
Suddenly, he’s at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter and says, “I am ready to go in.” St. Peter says, “Not quite yet, there was a problem. We seldom see high officials around these parts you see, so we weren’t sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I received orders from the higher-ups, and we do have our rules. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven; then you can choose where to spend eternity."
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and the Senator goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open to a beautiful green golf course. The sky is magnificent, and in the distance is a spectacular clubhouse. All his colleagues who worked with him in the Senate are there. They are in evening dress and run to greet him. They shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on the finest caviar and lobster while enjoying the finest champagne. Also present is the devil who is very friendly and having a good time dancing and telling jokes. Before the Senator knows it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator doors close.
The elevator goes up, up, up. When the doors open, St. Peter is waiting for him and says, "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So the Senator goes in. Twenty-four hours later, the Senator again finds himself with St. Peter.
St. Peter says, “Now choose your eternity." The Senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down back to Hell.
The elevator doors then open to a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his colleagues dressed in rags and picking up the debris as more falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around the Senator's shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here, and it was a proverbial paradise. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning; then you voted.
ROBOT FOR SALE:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
A Lutheran Pastor, Catholic Priest, and a Baptist Minister all decide to go fishing one Saturday. They load up all their equipment, hook up the boat, and head off to the lake. The unhook the boat and float out to the middle of the lake. The Lutheran Pastor exclaims, "Oh no, we forgot our fishing poles!" The Catholic Priest says, "It is ok, I will get them". He jumps out of the boat, runs across the water, picks up he poles and runs back, jumping back into the boat. The Baptist minister is going crazy in his head, thinking, "I know I have as much faith at him, and yet he walks on water". A little time goes by, and the Catholic Priest says, "You know, I could go for something to eat. We left our lunch in the truck. The Lutheran Pastor says, "I will get them, jumps out of the boat, runs across the water, grabs the lunches and runs back, getting back into the boat. Once again the Baptist Minister is freaking out, and thinks, "How could this be? I know I have as much faith as him"! The sun starts getting hot, and the Catholic Priest comments, I wish we had something to drink, I am hot". At this the Baptist Minister thinks to himself, here is my chance to prove my faith. He says as he jumps out of the boat, "I will get the water in the truck". He sinks into the water, and the Lutheran Pastor and the Catholic Priest pull him back into the boat. Now soaked, he say in exasperation, "I know I have as much faith as you two, I don't get it". The Lutheran Pastor, laughing now says, "It isn't a matter of faith, it is knowing where the rocks in the lake are".